Even the word makes you wonder if this is a post about porn, doesn’t it?

Spending the past year and a half without a nipple has presented very few problems. Oh sure, one half of me lights up when I’m freezing my tits off on a cold morning school run, whilst the other is, er, “no comment,” or “I’m not feeling the cold at all today” or just plain “don’t look at me! the other side is doing all the talking.” (the lack of nipple didn’t slow me down at all, is my point) And yet ….. I just had to get it back. The joy of symmetry.

Some people take issue with a visible nipple; either “essence of nipple” under clothing (aka lady lumps) or god forbid in plain sight …. on a woman. Shall I illustrate?


salma hayak

But if Salma follows suit? Wahey! Aye Carumba! Ow, Ow, Ow, Wahoooooooooo (you get the idea)

regular show monkey white

Now here’s a funny thing: This here is “Skips” from the Regular Show (a kids cartoon which is hilarious). He’s allowed to show his big red comedy nipples to kids on TV because he is a male-cartoon.

Apologies to all expecting me to unearth an hilarious femme-cartoon equivalent; I searched high and low (for at least 3 minutes) for a cartoon monkey in a bra – but guess what? Apparently that is a step too far.

Lady Gorilla

In the meantime, you will have to visualise the kind of garb the poor cartoon female monkey has to wear whilst her male counterpart struts around with his nips on show. Here’s something to help that mental image along: Talk about game! Not sure the eyeshadow was necessary? (apologies to my sister and all kindred spirits who find primates in human clothing offensive – I’m pretty sure this snap is ‘shopped. No animals were actually pampered in pursuit of this image).

Back to me and my NIPPLE …

janet jackson nipple

Damn! I spent good money on that nipple; Imma call Janet Jackson for some pointers on how to stage a malfunction.  Janet doesn’t cower from her shame, she has a little microphone in her cleavage for boob-crooning. Stunning metalwork! Brava!

Justin is the mummified one on this occasion and he’s taking a mental note: No room for more than one boob at Superbowl.

eggs sunny side up

If you’ve had a nipple reconstruction and would like to share – please, be my guest! If you just have the two (or more?!) nipples from birth, and would like to discuss them, then by all means – you too are welcome here! (no photos).

A final word: Here is an interesting article by my colleagues over at the New Yorker on their own “Nipplegate” affair. It seems The Face Book is similarly prudish when it comes to dots on a page (otherwise they would have called it The Nipplebook, which, owing to the origins of Facebook, probably isn’t too far off the truth).